


The five times Connor saw Jared's real smile, and the one time he almost lost it.

by MagnanimousMagpie



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Homophobic Language, I just love my kiddos, I promise if I write more I'll add Evan in more, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Multi, This is mostly Connor and Jared I'm sorry, Trans Jared Kleinman, Trans Male Character, probably really ooc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-10 16:01:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19508656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagnanimousMagpie/pseuds/MagnanimousMagpie
Summary: I can't write!!! I am sorry!!! I'm also bad at summaries!!! Some parts are longer than others bc i'm inexperienced and i ended up rambling :))) please go easy on me i'm small and frail





	The five times Connor saw Jared's real smile, and the one time he almost lost it.

It started out pretty simply.

I don’t like bragging because it stupid to brag about, but I consider myself pretty good at spotting fake smiles. Fuck, I grew up with them all my life, how could I not?  
Take Zoe. She’s all smiles at school, but it’s always fake at home, and she’s shit at hiding it. Not that our parents give enough of a fuck to tell.  
Alana’s are always strained and tired, like she’s forcing her peppy attitude, even when she’s stretching herself too thin.  
I don’t bother smiling anymore, unless it’s at Evan, because that boy is just too soft and sweet to be able to focus on being angry at anything.  
Speaking of Evan, his are always awkward and sometimes come off as a grimace, but he wears his heart on his sleeve, and his are always real.  
And then there’s Kleinman, that asshole. He’s hard to get a read on, and it makes me angrier than I already am. He’s loud, obnoxious, and talks too much, and he’s a dick to Evan, even if the latter insists they’re friends. I hated him at first, but once even Evan, who struggles to read people sometimes, took notice of it, I did too. Kleinman’s stupid smirks were convincing, and he was a great actor, but there was something in his eyes that gave him away. Not fully there, just barely under the surface. I don’t know why I give a fuck? Probably because I still hate him. Definitely that; At least, I did. But, then I noticed him acting _human_ , and shit did I misjudge him.

1.

The first time was in the cafeteria, and Evan was going on about Sequoias or some other tree, and he was getting really into his rant when I turned to look at Kleinman and fully expected him to look bored out of his mind or something, but for once, his guard was down. He just... had the smallest, most tender smile on his lips, the look in his eyes was soft, and he seemed like he could listen to anything Evan was saying and not get bored. I forgot to be sneaky about my staring and he caught me, immediately putting his snarky grin on his face, and that soft look in his eyes partially masked, but it was still there; and I decided I definitely liked his first smile a lot better. Only because it would be less likely to upset Evan, obviously; nothing else.

2.

The next time was after me and Evan got together, he started getting meaner, but Evan didn’t let it faze him. He said they had a fight, and he found out how scared Kleinman was, but I wasn’t convinced. He made comments about me and my home life that rubbed me the wrong way, but I ignored them for Evan, and sometimes I would hear a quiet “Fuck, I didn’t mean that, sorry.” From him before he bolted, so I figured his mouth was just faster than his brain, I knew how that was.

Eventually, shocking enough to me, he gave up on being mean, he just went to his typical snark, and Evan looked relieved. He started inviting him to our dates sometimes, and I learned he really loves bowling, and he’s insistent on ordering and paying for Evan, even if he complains later, which makes me scoff and Evan giggle without fail, every time. One day on a bowling date I left them alone to use the bathroom, and when I got back, I saw Evan talking really hushed, so I listened in. Probably not great, but I knew Evan enough that if I interrupted him, he wouldn’t say another word about it. Turns out, he was gushing about me to Kleinman, which made my face go pretty pink. I peaked over, curious at how the dick was reacting, and I saw that soft smile he usually kept when Evan started talking enough to forget his anxiety, but his eyes looked... sad? Lonely? I didn’t know, but it hurt to see such raw emotion from his eyes, even hidden behind a grin. But then shit, Evan caught me, and now he’s all red; Cute. Jared gave a loud snort at Evan sputtering when he saw me, and no one mentioned the sad look in his eyes, or how he flinched when he saw me.

3.

The third time was at school again, after we got out. The week prior, Kleinman officially came out to the school as gay when people kept calling me the “school’s Emo Faggot” or some other dumb shit, and I was definitely taken aback, I thought Kleinman, for all his talk, was into the ladies, so surprise to me when I learned he likes dick. Evan talked to me one day and asked if I could check on Kleinman since he had been shutting himself away and getting mean again, and he himself was starting to hit a dead end. I agreed, and we were about to head to my car behind the school when we heard a pained yelp, and suddenly the man of the hour came crashing into us, wheezing like he had just run the mile and covered in scrapes and bruises. Behind him trailed the school two biggest homophobic douchebags, Kurt and Ram, who were yelling slurs at him loudly. Jared tried to get off of us to run away, tried to play cool like always, but I stood my full height and went up to their faces, while Jared just kinda sat there, stunned.  
“Touch my friend again, and I swear to god I’ll knock your asses so hard you’ll be shitting through your eyes.” I snarled and grabbed them both by the collar for good measure, scaring them shitless; Fucking pussies. I let them go and they scrambled to get away, and I turned to the two boys, who had moved to sitting on the ground. “Jared, you okay?” I asked as I sat on his other side, earning an odd look from him; “what?”  
“You. You used my name.” He said, the faintest of that same gentle smile rising to his lips, as he struggled to put it away. “You called me Jared, not Kleinman.” He amended at my quirked brow. Huh, I guess I did. When did I start doing that?  
“...yeah?”  
“Nothing, just... thanks.” He turned away from us, but both me and Evan noticed his smile this time, it was that warm and gentle smile he always gave Ev, but... it was meant for me this time?  
...Shit. I’m starting to like Jared Fucking Kleinman.

4.

The fourth time was completely unexpected and a long story, so buckle up. I was home alone on a rainy day; my parents out of town on some business trip of my dad’s, Evan was having a Mom-and-son night with Ms. Hansen, and Zoe was at Alana’s, so I wasn’t expecting to hear the tree outside my window start rustling, or a loud, rapid knocking at my window. I tended, ready to fight someone off, when I saw it was Jared, who was soaked head to toe, and who looked scared, like... genuinely terrified. I quickly opened the window for him, but stood in his way from getting in, I wanted answers.  
“Jared, what the actual f-“  
“Iknowyourconfusedbutcanipleasestayacouplenightsatyourplace?” He rushed out the sentence in a single breath, but spending a few months with my acorn has taught me to catch rushed words.  
Wait, stay here a couple nights? “Why do you-“  
“Connor, _please!_ "  
I was genuinely surprised when he practically begged me, so I gave a resigned sigh. “Just get in here.” He thanked me quickly and climbed in, and I finally noticed him shaking like a leaf. “Why the fuck are you even out in the rain?” I asked, but I got no answer. I looked to him annoyed, but I noticed that he slid to the floor, hugging his knees close to his chest with a wince; he was shutting himself down, and it startled me; I was used to it from Ev, but not him. “I... Jared?” I asked, softening my voice; I figured if it’s anything like Evan’s shut downs, it means he was emotionally overwhelmed, and I had to tread a little lightly until I could find my bearings with him. He hummed softly in acknowledgment, and I sighed in relief, at least he was responding. “Do you want some clean clothes?” A nod. “Can you take your wet ones off for me?” A shake. “Why not?”  
He looked like he wanted to stay silent, but eventually croaked out. “Binder.”  
That threw me for a loop. “Your trans?” A nod, again, more hesitant. “How long’s it been on?” He held up two hands, stuck out six fingers. “Six hours?” Another nod, definitely more relieved now that he knew I didn’t mind. “You gotta take it off soon then, I’ll lend you a big sweater of mine to cover up, okay?” It took a couple minutes, but he eventually gave another meek nod, and stripped off his shirts, struggling a bit with his binder. “Need some help?” He put his arms up in a playfully defeated manor, obviously trying to lighten the mood, and I gave him a quiet chuckle as I helped pull it over his head. Almost as soon as it was off, his arms wound around his chest, and I got up to dig through my closet for my biggest sweater. “Black or Purple?” he mumbled something softly, and I chuckled again as I grabbed the purple sweater, tossing it to him and turning so he could take off his shorts and change. “Oh, wait,” I almost forgot; I grabbed an old, bigger pair of boxers and covered my eyes as I turned to toss them to him, earning me an appreciative hum, and I turned back around to let him finish. He gave another quiet mumble to let me know he was done and I grabbed his clothes, dropping them unceremoniously into my hamper; they were morning Connor’s issue. Quietly, I sat on the bed, and patted the space beside me to let him know he could join me, which he sat on the other end, eventually. He looked at the spot next to me every so often, or my hands, or my arms, and I decided to throw a shot in the dark and hugged him, loosely at first. He tensed up, almost flinching, and I was about to pull back again when Jared shook his head. Huh, so the ‘insanely cool Jared Kleinman’ was a cuddler; that shouldn’t be as cute as it is. Slowly, but surely, Jared wound down and leaned into me, and at some point rested his arms around my neck, but it wasn’t until I felt a warm, wet spot on my shoulder did I realize Jared started to cry on me. I mumbled soft reassurances and rubbed his back gently, and at some point he ended up in my lap, but I didn’t mind, seeing Jared willing to open up to me was rewarding enough. After about half an hour the tears stopped, but he didn’t pull away. “Do you wanna talk about it now?”  
I heard a deep breath, but he spoke steadily, even if his voice sounded raw from crying; “Just... Dad got home. I got scared.” He noticed I stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue, and he took another steadying breath. “You gotta promise not to tell Evan.”  
“Why? Actually, never mind, I promise.” It was his choice to tell people, not mine.  
He leaned into me before he opened up, he looked so... defeated. “My parents are really shitty, to put it short. In middle school I tried to tell them I wanted to go to therapy for the shit going on in my head, but it started my parents fighting... my mom wanted to put me in therapy, but my dad would refuse, called it a waste. He slapped me and told me to stop looking for attention.” I felt my blood boil, but his voice started to waver, and I pushed back my anger to rub his back, patiently waiting for him to continue. “Then I... about a month later, they started going out ‘on business’ every month, they’d only come home for a couple of days and leave again, and they’d rarely come home at the same time. I... I get scared that everyone’s gonna leave now, it’s stupid.”  
I hushed him, petting his hair gently, feeling my chest flutter at how he melted into the touch. “It’s not stupid,” I said softly, “they practically abandoned you because you asked for help, and that’s bullshit; you deserve help just as much as me and Evan do, okay? In fact, I’ll take you to fucking therapy if I have to. If Larry and Cynthia can open up to the idea, it’s bullshit they can’t.” I got heated again as I spoke, but it was true! Jared deserves to be happy too, what the fuck!I looked to him and saw; It was weak, and it was uncertain, but his real smile peaked through, tender and grateful, and it made my heart feel lighter.  
We didn’t speak of it again, but those couple of nights he stayed with me, we ended up snuggling to help him fall asleep.

5.

The final time, was after a birthday party for Evan, the three of us were spending the night at his house, and currently Jared was doing homework on his laptop, with his headphones on. Me and Evan were on his bed, and he was struggling to fall asleep. I started to sing softly, and I felt butterflies when my acorn melted at my voice, curling up into me more, humming along quietly. I looked up and saw Jared’s real smile settled on his lips, and I figured it was from whatever was on his laptop until I realized. His laptop was off and his headphones weren’t even plugged in.  
That little shit.  
With a snort, I caused Jared to jump and notice I was staring, and try to turn on his laptop again with a dark blush. “Yknow if you want, you can join us Jared.” Evan said playfully and patted the bed on the other side of him; I guess he noticed Jared listening too. With an awkward grin, Jared kicked off his shoes (and took off his binder at Evan’s insistence) and joined us on Evan’s other side, spooning him. With a quiet chuckle, I continued my singing, and I noticed both of my boys soften at the sound, making me smile. It was only after they both fell asleep that I realized I called them both my boys... and honestly? I really liked the sound of that. A lot.

+1.

Evan and I sat on the couch, cuddling and watching The Office; we decided that we wanted to try bringing Jared into our relationship, but we haven’t heard from him in a couple days, so we were trying to calm ourselves down. Suddenly, my phone started to ring, making us both jump; the caller ID said it was anonymous. I quickly picked up and put it on speaker. “Hello?” I spoke hesitantly, Evan soon straightening out and joining me.  
_“...Is this the suicide hotline?”_ A weak voice came from the other end, but the reception was too crackled to make out who it was.  
Both of us were at attention now. “No, this is Connor Murphy.”  
A quiet _‘shit’_ came from the other line. _“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called, i’ll go-”_  
“No, don’t hang up, please!” Evan yelped; and there was shifting on the other end, but they stayed. “What’s your name? We wanna help, I promise; we care.”  
There was a hesitation, but when they said it, evan went white and I felt my blood run cold. It was quiet, but there was no mistaking it.  
_“Jared.”_  
“Where are you, Jare? We’re coming to get you.” I was already up and grabbing my jacket, and Evan ran to grab his weighted blanket.  
_“No, I’m fine, I-”_  
“Jared, it’s okay, we’re here for you, we’re not going anywhere.” Evan spoke carefully, taking my phone as we got into the car.  
_“I...I’m at the orchard; I’m sorry.”_ there was muffled sobs on the other end, and I hit the gas, speeding down there, all the while me and Evan were reassuring him over the phone. When we got there, we saw Jared sat underneath one of the willows, turned away from the gate and hugging his knees.  
“Jared, we’re here.” I tried to keep my voice even, but I was too worried at this point. Thankfully when he heard that, We saw him stand up, shakily, and run over to us, and we enveloped him in a big hug. It took me a minute to pull him away, but after I did, my breath hitched; he had a bright red hand mark on his cheek, and it looked hard enough to bruised. “Jare, what happened?” I breathed, and he cast his eyes at his feet.  
“I came out to my dad… it didn’t end well.” he sniffled and leaned into me again, and we both tensed.  
“Tell us more in the car?” at his nod, I saw Evan pull Jared to him, throw the blanket around his shoulders, and pick him up; He carried the latter to the car, and they both got into the back. I hopped back in, and drove us to Evan’s; on the ride, Jared us the whole story; he told Evan about how his parents practically split and abandoned him when he asked for therapy, he told us how his father had started to drink more, and how homophobic his parents were; he even said that when he came out, his mother cried and said ‘see! If we had just let her go to therapy, they could have fixed her, instead of her turning into this!’ and how his father got so angry he slapped Jared full force, and kicked him out. By the time we reached Evan’s house, everyone was crying. I carried Jared inside and Evan got him ready for bed, and we all ended up in Evan’s bed, this time, with Jared in the middle. He was still wracked with sobs, and we held him close. Remembering a few weeks ago, I started to sing softly, and I heard him slowly start to relax.  
_“Wise men say only fools rush in,_  
_But I can’t help falling in love with you,”_  
Evan caught on with a small smile, and joined me.  
_“Can I stay? Would it be a sin,_  
_If I can’t help falling in love with you?”_  
We paused in our singing to see Jared sniffling, but smiling, wider than we had ever seen him; his tongue poked out through the gap in his teeth, and he looked so content, it was the cutest thing, I swear to god. “I love you two dorks, too.” he leaned up against Evan more and curled up into me, falling asleep. We had a long way to go, but as long as I had my boys, we’d get through it alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my first attempt at a fanfic!! any advice would be greatly appreciated, I'd like to get more into adding to the fandom, and there really is never enough sincerely three anywhere '^^


End file.
